Today was a dark day. I think I will start thinking of my days in either dark or light. Makes the most sense to me right now. Today was nothing more than a day clouded by my struggles to cope with life.
My house is messy. It always is and this is why...When I start to clean I go crazy. I can't stop and I wipe myself out in a day trying to do everything. If clothes sit to long in a clean hamper they are dirty again. It only takes a few minutes and so I waste time washing clothes over and over again. I scrub everything and my hands are sore from cleaning products. I attempted one time to wear cleaning gloves but that only caused me to freak out more because nasty stuff was getting caught in the the gloves and then I would spend more time cleaning myself.
I constantly feel nasty. My skin feels gross and I just always feel dirty. I take long hot showers that leave me red when I am done. My skin is constantly dry because I am constantly cleaning myself and using soaps. I pick at my skin constantly. I have marks from where I pick. Every time I have a scab or something I have to pick at it. I try to stop myself but I can't. My face is starting to break out a lot and it's hard for me to not want to pick at it. I have to constantly tell myself not to.
Today I barely ate. I had a cup of noodles. Lots of coffee and gum. I felt to stressed to eat and then when I did eat I had the urge to throw it all up because it made me feel gross. I just feel so anxious. I can't stop my mind. I can't slow it down.
At least I know there will be some peace tomorrow because I will be so worn out from my cleaning today that I will rest a bit tomorrow. I will start hiding all the things that bother me again...with a mess. Then another day will come when my thoughts overwhelm me.